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Blair’s Trial
Blair stared at his dinner and made a face. He wasn’t hungry and nothing on that plate was likely to change that. But he had already lost more weight than he could afford over the last few weeks. Jim had threatened him with bodily harm if he didn’t take better care of himself. Blair snorted. Kinda counterproductive but nobody had ever accused Jim Ellison of being overly logical in his threats.
No, he couldn’t eat tonight. And he better not think about Jim. His supposedly best friend was at Henderson’s birthday party at the moment. Blair hadn’t been surprised that he wasn’t invited; after all, he knew that Henderson hated his guts. If he hadn’t sensed it the first time he met the guy, the elbow in his stomach when the jerk had passed him in the hallway would have been a dead giveaway. He would have taken Henderson to task, but he had stopped any intended motion when he saw Jim walking beside Henderson, both of them talking and joking as if nothing had happened. It had taken all his strength to keep his face free of emotion and continue on his way into the bullpen. That was the day he had finally faced the unpleasant truths he had managed to repress so far. The looks he got from his co-workers, and, even more importantly, the looks he didn’t get. The whispered comments that stopped as soon as he came into the room. The things he found at his desk in the mornings and the things that should have been there that had vanished overnight. He had finally started bringing his tea with him every morning and kept it in eyesight whenever possible. If not, he would find it either soiled or gone. Then there were the anonymous calls on his cell phone with the not so subtle threats. And the dead rat someone had mailed to him. All of that painted a pretty vivid picture of his present life.
The day he had accepted the gold shield from Simon he had really thought this could work. He could be Jim’s partner and backup for real. He had aced the academy, to his own surprise. But all of his hard work had been for nothing. The things had gone downhill so fast and he didn’t even know why. From the things he had overheard it was the fraud that had made his former friends his enemies. But all of them had known that before and they had cheered when Simon offered him the job as Jim’s partner. Why did they do that if they didn’t want him to work with them? Had they hoped that he would decline? He should have done that, he really should have. He hated carrying a weapon, he hated the backlash Jim got for being his partner, he hated being stuck in Cascade in all this hate that surrounded him.
Blair stood up and scraped his dinner into the garbage can. With his ulcer he shouldn’t eat so much anyway. Okay, the doctor had said that he needed to eat light food, not that he should stop eating, but he couldn’t. It hurt if he ate and it hurt if he didn’t but he preferred the sharp but minor ache in his empty stomach to the dull pain that was so bad that he needed painkillers when he ate. He had found a few drinks he could force down his throat, mostly milk with lots of sugar and a few added vitamins, and they kept him going.
The sole bright point of his existence was his new apartment. It was so beautiful and the view was spectacular. On one side he could see a park, on the other side, from his balcony, the sea. He spent hours on his balcony, looking over the sea and wishing himself far away, as far as possible. But he couldn’t do that, couldn’t abandon Jim. The sentinel had been abandoned by too many of his friends already and he didn’t want to add to this list. But he could hardly call himself Jim’s friend any longer. Jim resented him, resented being dependent on him, resented him being in Jim’s life twenty-four/seven. He had tried to rectify that with his moving out but it hadn’t improved their relationship. Nothing had hurt him more than Connor’s innocent question if he would give a housewarming party when he had heard her and Rhonda a few moments before in the break room, talking how much they wanted him to invite them so they could turn him down. That afternoon he had had to take painkillers even though he hadn’t eaten anything, but his stomach had hurt so bad that he thought he would scream. He hadn’t seen one of his former friends socially since he finished the Police Academy. They had changed the date of the two-weekly poker game from Thursday to Tuesday, the day he had to take an additional course at the Academy, a course that was supposed to make him more effective in dealing with victim’s emotions. What a load of crap! He couldn’t even deal with his own emotions, let alone the emotions of others! Each morning he fought against his feelings, banned them in the back of his head, as far away from his conscious thoughts as he could; only to have them punch him in the guts as soon as he was home again and let his guard down. Good that his pillows had no ears, considering the number of times he had screamed into them when he tried to let go of his frustration. Just now he felt like screaming again.
He went out onto the balcony instead. The sea always soothed his feelings, calmed him down enough to let him get some sleep, if only a few hours. The lack of sleeping and eating was taking its toll. Every day he felt a bit worse, every day the tears came a bit faster when he finally did let go of his control, every day it took longer to place his gun into the drawer, enjoying the comfort this peace of metal offered him, the promise that all of this could be over within a few seconds, should he choose so.
The setting sun sparkled in thousands of bright stars on the waves, moving and blinking in a hypnotizing rhythm. He caught his breath. There was still such beauty in the world, how could he have thought about throwing that away?
At first he didn’t even register the sudden bout of pain since he was used to the flaring of pain from his ulcer. It took a while until it registered in his tired brain that the source of agony wasn’t his stomach but his right shoulder. But he had to actually look at the bloody mess that had been his shoulder for his brain to register that he had been shot. In an odd kind of detachment he watched how his world tilted as his knees gave way and he sank down onto the cool surface. It was appropriate that he would die here in his favorite place, his little refuge from the world. He looked at the sea a last time, seeing the little stars of light getting darker and darker as his vision grayed and then everything was black.
::::::::-----::::::::-----::::::::
Who knew that being dead would hurt so much. Dying, okay, dying was supposed to be unpleasant but being dead should be peaceful. Maybe it was because his death had been so nice. Admittedly, there had been some pain, but his last view had been so beautiful.
Not only he was hurting, there were noises too. What happened to ‘rest in peace’? For him, peace meant silence. Silence and being free of pain. What had he done in his life that was so bad that he had to be punished beyond death?
”Come on, Chief, wake up. Don’t you think it’s time to open your eyes?”
No, asshole, I’m dead. Get lost and let me rest in peace. There are no sentinels in afterlife. In hell, maybe. Had he really been that bad to deserve hell? He hadn’t believed in this concept when he was alive but, obviously, he had been wrong.
”Chief, you’re worrying me here. Please, wake up!”
Oh, that was rich! Jim hadn’t cared while he was alive and now he should feel compelled to wake up, just to make him feel better? Well, think again!
Finally, the voice became quieter. Maybe he could rest in peace after all. I forgive you, Jim, just let me go and don’t come after me again. Should have stayed dead the first time.
::-::-::
The next time the annoying voice disturbed him it was accompanied with light. And the ever-present pain. Okay, what else did he need to make this hell complete? A terrible smell and a disgusting taste in his mouth would do the trick. Could dead people taste something? But he shouldn’t be able to hear and see either, should he? God, why couldn’t they just shut up?
”I’m scared, Simon. He should have woken up days ago. The doctors said his general condition was so bad that he wouldn’t have survived much longer even without the gunshot. He had a fucking ulcer, bleeding so badly that there wasn’t much blood left to lose when that asshole shot him!”
”Calm down, Jim, it won’t do the kid any good if you get a coronary. We all saw how bad he was looking. We should have stopped that, getting Henderson and his cohorts wasn’t worth hurting the kid so badly.”
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Okay, maybe he wasn’t dead after all, but why the hell wouldn’t they leave him alone? His sea had been so beautiful, why couldn’t that have been the end? He was hurting so badly and these assholes simply wouldn’t shut up! Every word caused a bout of pain in his head as if every single letter was a knife being driven into his skull. The voices became louder and the pain finally sent him back into the void where he felt, heard and saw nothing.
::-::-::
Again these voices, waking him up, annoying him, hurting him. Light again, pain again and, oh wonder, a taste in his mouth as if something had died in there. Months ago. Being unconscious was so nice, so much alike being dead. Why the hell didn’t they allow him to be happy? And why couldn’t they shut the fuck up!
”God, Jim, I feel so bad! Sandy will wake up, right? The doctors said he will wake up?”
Connor. What was she doing here? If he never saw her again it would be too soon. Thank god, their voices faded quickly and he drifted back to the place where nothing would hurt him or disturb the wonderful silence.
::-::-::
Oh god! When would the pain go away? He couldn’t stand it any longer. There was the light again, the bad taste and even the disgusting smell he had speculated about. And the damning voices.
”Don’t…scared…got worse…Blair.”
They faded quickly and he was glad when he realized that the silence would claim him again.
::-::-::
No pain, no light, no voices. But a nice smell for a change and the taste of peppermint in his mouth. This was so nice. If his life would stay this way he could get used to it again. Being pain free and then opening his eyes to see the sea: that would be heaven. He blinked his eyes open, but there was no sea. Just darkness. Gradually it became brighter. But only a bit, the light stayed pleasant and didn’t hurt him. A movement caught his eyes and he saw the face of an angel, complete with curly blond hair and white clothing. Then his angel started to talk, in a quiet melodious voice that didn’t hurt his ears and head.
”Hi Blair, I’m Lily, your doctor. How do you feel?”
”Fine. Nothing hurts.” What had happened with his voice? He sounded so faint.
”That’s great, Blair. Your painkiller is the best we have to offer. Can you tell me your birthday?”
Huh? Birthday? He didn’t expect any presents, so why would she want to know? Wait, there was something with doctors and strange questions but he couldn’t remember what it was. When was his birthday? May, wasn’t it? But what day?
”End of May.”
”What day?”
He shrugged. Bad mistake. His shoulder might be pain free if he was motionless, but moving it hurt like hell.
”Breathe slowly; I’ll give you something against the pain.”
She disappeared from his vision, came back and then the pain faded. He released the breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding, and smiled at her.
”Better now?”
”Yes, thank you.”
She smiled at him. Yes, definitely an angel, even if she said she was a doctor. Maybe ethereal beings had professions, too?
”I’ll call your friends tomorrow and tell them that you’re awake. They weren’t allowed to visit you in the last few days because your condition always worsened during and after visiting hours. They’ll be happy to see you again.”
God, no. He felt his throat tightening. Suddenly it was hard to breathe. Maybe she was no angel after all; she wouldn’t be allowed to be so cruel if she were. Friends, what a laugh! He had no friends, not anymore.
”No, please! No visitors.”
She looked in his face with an earnest expression, then nodded. God, could that be true? Someone respecting his decisions? Without prodding, ordering or trying to convince him that he was the stupidest creature on earth?
”Okay. No visitors. You look tired; try to sleep some more. I’ll be back tomorrow, okay?”
”Okay.”
She dimmed the light again and he closed his eyes. A silent voice began to sing a lullaby. That must be a dream. Nobody cared enough about him to do such a thing. But it was a nice dream. This voice, a not-aching body and the sea. That would be heaven.
::-::-::
There it was again, Jim’s voice. It was outside the room but it was yelling and hurting his head. He didn’t dare open his eyes, he just groped around. There had to be a signal for the nurse. He couldn’t stand this pain any longer. He heard something beeping and then he heard a door open and the voice grew louder. He moaned and tried to cover his ears with his hands. Moving his right arm hurt, but the noises were worse.
More loud voices but then the one hurting him quieted. Gentle hands took his hands from his ears and a melodious voice spoke to him. He didn’t understand the meaning of the words, but they took the pain away and he drifted off to sleep again.
::-::-::
”Blair? You need to wake up, okay?”
His angel’s voice. She was his doctor if he remembered right. What was her name again? He couldn’t remember, but he knew that he could trust her. He opened his eyes slowly. There she was, even more beautiful than he recalled. Blond curls, a round, angelic face and deep blue eyes.
”How do you feel?”
”Better. Your voice doesn’t hurt.”
”But other voices do, right?”
”Yes.”
”Any voice in particular?”
”They all hurt, but Jim’s is the worst.”
”Okay, I’ll try to keep him away from you. Do you remember your birthday today?”
”Today is not my birthday. Just had it, in May.”
”Oh, what day was it?”
”Thursday.”
”Do you know the exact day?”
”Thursday?”
”Okay. You look tired. Do you want to go back to sleep?”
”Yes.”
She moved away and then the room became darker. But he sensed her still in the room. Her presence gave him a sense of safety and he relaxed enough to fall asleep.
::-::-::
Blair woke up and felt clear in his head for the first time in weeks. He was alone in a hospital room, the light dimmed and it was pleasantly quiet. There was a dull ache in his right shoulder, must be the reason why he was here. He had no memory of how he was injured this time but it must have been a bad one because he was feeling awfully weak.
He looked out of the window. It was a very nice day with blue sky and a few white clouds. The position of the sun indicated that it must be late afternoon. Visiting hours. And no Jim in sight. Blair sighed. He needed someone to tell him what had happened. A terrible thought crossed his mind and he gasped. What if Jim had been hurt, too? The room seemed to get smaller every moment. There wasn’t enough air in here. He needed to breathe, but it was getting harder, the air was thick as molasses and refused to get into his lungs. Black dots swam before his eyes as he fought against the blackness that threatened to overwhelm him. It didn’t take long for him to lose the fight.
::-::-::
”Blair? Wake up, okay? Come on, open your eyes!”
He blinked. There she was again, his angel.
”Angel?”
”Not hardly. I’m Lily, don’t you remember?”
He nodded hesitantly. His memory was confused; it was somehow hard to form a clear thought. Where was he? He knew Lily, he had seen her before. And she had told him her name; that he did remember. Didn’t she say she was his doctor? Was he in a hospital?
”That’s good Blair. Do you remember what happened before you blacked out?”
”No. I did?”
”You did. Can you tell me your birthday?”
That sounded familiar. Birthday. His last birthday he had spent alone in his new apartment, waiting for the day to be over at last.
”Did you ask that before?”
”Yes, Blair, I did. Now, what about answering the question? When is your birthday?”
”May.”
”That’s right, Blair. How do you feel?”
”Tired. Can I go to sleep?”
”Sure. Have a nice dream.”
He nodded and snuggled into the pillow. He felt sad, but he didn’t know why and was too tired to think about it anyway. It was so nice to drift off and forget all sorrows.
::-::-::
He was at the edge of wakefulness when a slight draft from the door jostled him to full awareness. Blair opened his eyes. Jim was standing in the door but it was the expression in Jim’s face that threw him. His friend looked sad, wistful and – afraid. What was wrong with him?
”Jim?”
”Yes?”
”Why don’t you come in? I won’t bite, I promise.”
Jim grinned and came in but stopped in a greater distance from the bed then he would normally have.
”What’s wrong? Am I contagious?”
Jim smiled again and shook his head, finally coming closer. He sat down on the edge of the bed and simply looked at Blair.
”Jim, you’re scaring me here. Talk to me, please.”
”Okay.”
Just this one word. What was wrong with Jim? Did he do something to piss the sentinel off? Not fair, holding it against him when he couldn’t remember.
”What did I do, Jim? Whatever it was, I’m sorry.”
”No, no, Blair, you didn’t do anything wrong! Your doctor told me that my voice hurt you, so I wanted to keep quiet. You’re okay? Am I hurting you?”
”No, of course not. Why would he say something like that?”
”She, Chief, your doctor is a woman. You don’t remember her?”
”No. Should I be worried here?”
”God, no, Chief. You were pretty sick. No wonder you don’t remember anything.”
Blair relaxed again. It was somehow frightening not to remember things, but if Jim thought it was okay then it was.
”Detective Ellison! What are you doing in here? I told you not to go into the room!”
A blonde woman stood in the doorframe, looking at Jim accusingly. How dare she order his partner around? He was glad that Jim was here and he wouldn’t let her take him away.
”Listen Lady, Jim is my friend. If you don’t want to see him then go away and leave us alone!”
Jim laid a hand on his arm.
”Relax, Chief, this is your doctor. She’s acting in your interest here.”
”My doctor? She’s the one that told you your voice would hurt me? Why would you say something like that to my partner?”
He glared at the woman, who looked confused at him. She stepped closer, all the time studying his face.
”Blair? Do you remember me?”
He shook his head.
”When is your birthday?”
”May, twenty-fourth. And no, I don’t know what day of the week it is today.”
That made her smile. A nice smile. She was quite likeable when she didn’t pick on Jim.
”I see you have been hospitalized before.”
”Once or twice. Stop grinning, Jim!”
She smiled at them, watching both of them like a hawk.
”Blair, what is the last thing you remember before you woke up today?”
”We were in Simon’s office. He told us that he wanted to get Henderson and that we needed to lull him into a false sense of security and since I was his favorite victim I was to become persona non grata in the bullpen so that he would use the chance to attack me.”
”That was the last thing, Chief? You don’t remember how Simon started yelling at you?”
”No. Why did he?”
”To make Henderson think that you had lost his support.”
”Oh, how long ago did that happen?”
Jim didn’t answer, just looked at his doctor with a questioning look on his face. Only when she nodded at him, he answered the question.
”Four months ago, more or less.”
Four months? He had lost four months? In that amount of time he could have done anything. Why the hell didn’t he remember?
”I lost four months? Did we get Henderson?”
”We did.”
”Don’t try to remember yet, Blair. You need to rest before you rack your brain. You’re still weak. By the way, my name is Lily March. You probably don’t remember that either.”
Blair nodded. Now that she mentioned it, he noticed how tired he was. Keeping his eyes open was getting harder every moment. But there was something in the back of his brain, something important. He straightened and faced his visitors again.
”Wait, there was something else. I woke up before, I think – no, I’m sure, I was alone in the room and worried about Jim.”
”Why were you worried, Chief?” Jim looked pretty anxious himself.
Blair smiled at his partner. ”I’m just not used waking up in a hospital room without you, you know? I thought you might be hurt.”
”I’m sorry, Blair. I wasn’t allowed to visit you.”
Blair glared at the doctor. She was nice-looking, but everyone who came between him and his partner qualified automatically as a threat. The doctor stepped a bit closer.
”You didn’t react well to visitors. In the three days without them your condition improved dramatically.”
Well, she was a doctor; she should know what she was talking about. So he simply nodded at her. But he would be careful around her. He tried unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn. God, he was tired.
::-::-::
A sharp pain woke Blair when he tried to move onto his side. Damn, he had forgotten his shoulder. A voice answered his gasp of pain.
”Sandy? Should I call your doctor?”
Agony. Fire shot through his brain, threatened to consume him, burning him from the inside out.
”Sandy? What’s wrong? Relax, I’m getting your doctor!”
Every word stirred the flames higher, hotter, until the pain was too much and he screamed. Other noises invaded his ears but they didn’t hurt him further. Gentle hands tried to take his hands from his ears. He hadn’t even realized that he had covered his ears. He opened his eyes. His whole body hurt like hell and now he realized why. He had curled up into a tight ball on his right side, on his injured shoulder. He let himself be straightened and covered up.
”Blair? What happened?”
”Lily? Send her away, please. She hurt me so much.”
”Okay, Blair. Try to relax; the medicine will help you quickly.”
Medicine? He didn’t remember any medicine. But she was right; the pain was fading. His body felt heavy, sluggish. His eyelids were like lead and he couldn’t keep them open any longer.
::-::-::
When Blair woke up, an unknown woman was in his room. She was older, a motherly type, with a friendly smile on her face. He smiled back at her, which in turn caused her smile to brighten.
”Hello, Blair. May I call you Blair? - Fine. I’m Dr. Janice Bordeaux. You can call me Janice.”
”Hi Janice. Where’s Lily?”
”Her shift is over. She asked me to talk to you.”
”Oh. You’re a psychiatrist, aren’t you?”
”Wow. You’re really smart. What gave me away?”
”The word ‘talk’.”
She grinned and mover the chair closer to his bed.
”So, do you feel up to a few questions?”
”Sure. All I’m doing is sleeping since – I don’t know how long. I somehow lost track of the time.”
She nodded and took some papers and a pen from the bedside table and made herself comfortable on the chair.
”Okay, let’s start.”
She asked dozens of questions. About personal facts, like birthday and birthplace, about his memories of the last four months – even though there was not much to tell, since he only remembered Jim’s visit and a short talk to Dr. Lily March - and about his feelings towards his co-workers.
The questions didn’t bother him. He had had enough psychotherapy in his life to assess where her questions were leading to. Obviously, Jim’s remark about Lily telling him that his voice would hurt Blair was treated seriously. From reading between the lines of her questions he gathered that he had been in the hospital for quite some time and that there had been incidences he had forgotten. A lot of them. That worried him. And that Lily had been worried enough to consult a psychiatrist increased his feeling of uneasiness further. He was afraid that he was losing his mind and that was something he didn’t even want to think about.
::-::-::
He was eating breakfast when an unknown doctor came into his room. She came closer and sat down beside his bed. Blair felt uncomfortable. Sure, she looked nice enough, friendly and motherly, but he didn’t know her and she was too close for his liking.
”Hello, Blair. Do you know who I am?”
He shook his head. Should he know her? No, he was certain that he never met her before.
”I’m Janice. Lily asked me to talk to you. How do you feel?”
”Better. I feel like I haven’t had breakfast in months. I can’t remember when I ate toast the last time.”
He took another bite, savoring every nuance of taste. She smiled at him and moved the chair a bit away from him. He smiled thankfully at her. She sure had a great intuition.
”Do you think you could answer a few questions when you’re finished?”
”Sure.”
She waited patiently until he was sated. It didn’t take much time since he felt awfully full after only a few bites. He pushed the tray away and turned towards her, signaling that he was ready for her questions. The first questions were no problem. Just facts about himself like his birthday. Then it became harder. She asked about his recent memories and he couldn’t say that there were many good ones. But these questions were nothing against the next. His thoughts about his co-workers. He began to tremble with his first answer and with every new question the shaking became worse until he had a full-blown panic-attack at the fifth question. She stopped then and helped him when he lost the little food he had eaten. He forgave her for upsetting him when she took him in her arms and held him until the shaking stopped and he fell into an exhausted sleep.
::::::::::::::::::::--------------::::::::::::::::::::--------------::::::::::::::::::::
Jim’s Nightmare
There was nothing worse than acting as if he liked Henderson. The guy was such a creep and it hurt him to see how the asshole tormented his guide. But Blair’s reaction was even worse for him. His partner acted as if it was all real, as if he didn’t know that they were playing roles to lure Henderson into doing something stupid. Broadway lost a great actor when Blair agreed to become a detective.
He had no idea why Henderson had such a big interest in him anyway. Simon suspected that it was his arrest rate, but he couldn’t quite understand that. Why would a dirty cop want to be the friend of a successful detective? And why would he want to hurt his partner? There was no way to answer this question, short of asking the creep, so he let it be. He was sure that it had been Henderson who manipulated the brakes of Blair’s car and caused the accident that could have been his partner’s end. Only Blair’s incredible luck had saved him and let him get away with just a few bruises.
He missed his partner. He hardly ever worked with him anymore and Blair had moved out to make the setup credible. He missed his constant chatter, his weird food, missed his partner, period. And now he even attended Henderson’s birthday party when all he wanted was to rush out and puke into the bushes.
When he heard the telephone ring, he dialed up his hearing and listened into the conversation. Henderson was smiling when his caller told him about his ‘special birthday present’. Jim’s blood ran cold when he heard the man describing how he had shot Blair. Ellison took out his cell phone, called for an ambulance and then he called his captain, already rushing out to his car and driving towards Blair’s apartment.
::::::::-----::::::::-----::::::::
Jim paced the hospital floors. He couldn’t get the picture of Blair out of his mind, lying there on his balcony, bloody, pale, fragile as if he would shatter into thousand pieces if anyone dared to touch him, and smiling peacefully in his unconsciousness. There was no word from the doctors yet. Jim concentrated on the voices in the examination area again, but nothing he heard was good or encouraging.
A hand on his shoulder startled him. He turned around to see his captain, looking at him with worry in his brown eyes.
”Any word yet?”
”No. Damn, Simon, you didn’t see him. He looked better after the fountain, god help us. What I heard from the doctors is bad, very bad.”
”I don’t understand that. I looked like a simple shoulder wound, an extensive one, sure, but nothing lethal.”
”There were talking about a bleeding ulcer, life-threatening even without the wound in his shoulder. God, Simon, what did happen to him? He promised me he would take good care of himself but they said he was malnourished and the condition he was in would have been bad enough to require bed rest even if he didn’t have the wound in his shoulder or perforated ulcer in his stomach.”
Jim felt the tears well up in his eyes. He couldn’t understand why Blair had let things go so far. What had happened to him?
Finally, a doctor came to see them. The picture he painted wasn’t pretty and only consisted of dark colors. Blair’s chances of survival were at ten percent, maximum. They were even allowed to sit with him as soon as he was out of recovery. The doctor didn’t add the words ‘to say goodbye’, but both of them heard the unspoken, saw it in his expression.
::::::::-----::::::::-----::::::::
”Come on, Chief, wake up. Don’t you think it’s time to open your eyes?”
Jim’s voice was hoarse. For a few days he had talked to Blair, during every minute until the doctors or nurses threw him out again. Sometimes Simon, Joel or Megan joined him in his vigil.
”Chief, you’re worrying me here. Please, wake up!”
Was there a slight elevation in Blair’s heartbeat? He listened carefully, but there was no change. Sighing he leaned back and started to talk again.
::-::-::
Jim had sat with Blair for five hours already when Simon arrived.
”Jim, we got him. The goon he paid to kill Blair confessed. No one will save that asshole from doing serious jail time.”
”That’s good, I guess. But I don’t really care about Henderson at the moment. Blair is much more important. I’m scared, Simon. He should have woken up days ago. The doctors said his general condition was so bad that he wouldn’t have survived much longer even without the gunshot. He had a fucking ulcer, bleeding so badly that there wasn’t much blood left to lose when that asshole shot him!”
”You told me that already, don’t you remember?”
”What? Oh, sure, sorry, Simon.”
”Calm down, Jim, it won’t do the kid any good if you get a coronary. We all saw how bad he was looking. We should have stopped that, getting Henderson and his cohorts wasn’t worth hurting the kid so badly.”
”I know. It’s all my fault.”
”Jim, did you listen to me at all? It’s not your fault; we all should have done something to help him. If anyone is to blame it’s me. I asked him to play the decoy, I told you to play nice with Henderson. I’m sorry, Jim.”
”Okay, Simon, I get it. Guilt won’t help at all. Don’t blame yourself and I’ll try to let go of the guilt, too, okay?”
”Deal.”
They sat down and watched Blair silently. According to the doctors, his wounds were healing, but he still looked like he was only one step away from his grave.
::-::-::
Jim watched Megan as she looked at Blair. She was pale and shaking, reaching out to touch Blair’s shoulder, but taking the hand away before touching him. He couldn’t blame her. Blair looked awfully fragile.
”God, Jim, I feel so bad! Sandy will wake up, right? The doctors said he will wake up?”
”Of course he will. Blair is a fighter. He cheated death once already, he can do that again.”
She nodded, looking reassured. Good for her. Jim didn’t feel any better because he had been lying through his teeth. Blair wasn’t fighting. He was dying, slowly.
::-::-::
He was falling apart, he knew that. Blair’s condition was getting worse every minute and it was obvious that the doctors had given up. Simon had his arm around his shoulder, prodding him to voice his feelings.
”I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. His condition got worse and the doctors don’t expect him to survive the night. I can’t’ lose him; I need him, need my guide, my partner, need Blair.”
”When there is nothing you can do, pray. Pray that god will help him, keep him here with us. I’ve been praying every night since he was shot.”
”Maybe you’re right. It certainly won’t hurt him.”
::-::-::
Jim had never been an overly religious man but for the next few days he prayed. And he didn’t stop when Blair’s condition finally stabilized. However his faith was challenged when he got the call from Blair’s doctor. He was so glad when she told him that Blair had woken up and talked to her, only to get the shock of his life. Blair didn’t want to see him, and had asked her specifically not to allow any visitors. She had kept him away for three days already, claiming that it was too stressful for Blair to deal with visitors. He hadn’t liked it, but accepted it with gritted teeth. And Blair’s condition had improved, so it must have been the right thing to do. But now Blair was awake and he would need his friends, his sentinel. He drove to the hospital to talk to the doctor and to convince her to let him talk to his partner.
She was already expecting him, standing before the door to Blair’s room and tried to get him away from it.
”What do you think you’re doing here? He is my best friend, we need each other! You can’t keep me out of there!”
”I can surely try. He asked me not to allow anyone to see him. If you are his friend you should respect his wishes!”
He shook his head in frustration. She motioned him to stay where he was, then opened the door to look inside. Maybe she would ask Blair to see him.
”Tell Blair that Jim is here; he will want to see me!”
He heard her gasp and looked through the door into the room. Blair’s eyes were tightly shut and he had his ears covered with his hands. God, that had to hurt his shoulder. What could he have heard that spooked him so much?
A few minutes later she came out again and, taking his arm, led him to a waiting area and sat down with him.
”He’s sleeping now. I’ll wake him up in an hour and talk to him, try to find out what was wrong and ask him if he wants to see you. I’d suggest that you go for a walk, lose a bit of tension and get a few rays of sun. If he wakes up any earlier I’ll call you on your cell phone, okay?”
”Yes, thank you. I guess that’s a good idea.”
She rubbed his shoulder soothingly and went back into Blair’s room. Jim rushed outside. He felt the need to do something and walking sounded very good.
Exactly an hour later he stood before Blair’s door again and listened to Dr. March’s voice inside.
”Blair? You need to wake up, okay?”
”How do you feel?”
”Better. Your voice doesn’t hurt.”
”But other voices do, right?”
”Yes.”
”Any voice in particular?”
”They all hurt, but Jim’s is the worst.”
Oh god! Why? What had he done? Jim shook his head. Why did Blair feel that way?
”Okay, I’ll try to keep him away from you. Do you remember your birthday today?”
”Today is not my birthday. Just had it, in May.”
”Oh, what day was it?”
”Thursday.”
”Do you know the exact day?”
”Thursday?”
”Okay. You look tired. Do you want to go back to sleep?”
”Yes.”
She came out again, looking at Jim sadly.
”I heard him. Do you have any idea why he feels that way?” Jim spoke very quietly, just loud enough for the doctor to hear him. He didn’t want to hurt his guide.
She shook her head. ”I don’t know. You’d better head home now, get a little rest. I’ll talk with him some more and try to look into it. It could be so many reasons, physically or psychologically.”
”What do you think it is? Sorry to ask again, but it frightens me.”
”I can understand that, Detective Ellison, but I have no idea. I’d like to talk to you tomorrow afternoon, learn a bit more about him. That could probably go some way to understanding what’s going on with him.”
”Sure, Doctor March.”
She went back to work, trusting him not to disturb Blair again. Jim was confused, sad and he felt lost. How could it be that his voice hurt his friend? Reluctantly he went home, where he spent a sleepless night trying to figure out what was going on.
::-::-::
”Sit down, Detective Ellison.”
”Call me Jim.”
”Okay, Jim. I’m Lily. Blair had a bad day today. He blacked out earlier but he didn’t remember any of it. From the readings of the machines I suspect a panic attack. Did he have any of those before?”
”From what he told me I’d say yes. I never witnessed one, though.”
She nodded and scribbled down something. Then she looked up again, looking uncomfortable.
”Do you know if he had any head injuries lately? There are no signs of a recent concussion or similar and I’m a bit worried since he can’t remember his birthday. He knows that it is in May but he can’t tell me the day.”
”He had a car accident about four months ago but he was checked over and there was no sign of a head injury. He has a very good memory usually.”
”Okay. What about his problems with you. Have you had any problems lately? Any kind of argument? It didn’t have to be a big one; his bad physical condition could have aggravated any psychological problem.”
”Not really. He moved out – you have to know we lived together – but that was all part of a plan to catch a dirty cop and he knew that.”
”Are you domestic partners?”
”No, just roommates. This is no lover’s quarrel.”
”I understand. Well, it could have been a possibility. I hope I didn’t offend you.”
He grinned at her reassuringly.
“Not at all.”
”Well, at the moment I don’t have any other questions. You can see him if he’s sleeping, but please don’t talk to him and don’t go inside the room, okay?”
Jim nodded unhappily. He knew that she wasn’t saying that to hurt him and that she was acting in Sandburg’s best interest, but still, it hurt like hell. He followed her out of her office and downstairs to Blair’s room. She motioned him to stay back a little and opened the door silently. After a quick peek inside she gestured him to come closer and left him alone at the door. Mindful of her words he stayed outside of the room and watched his friend from there.
His breath caught when Blair stirred and opened his eyes, looking directly at him.
”Jim?”
Blair’s voice was weak and a bit hoarse but he sounded like his old self. Could he dare to answer? But how could he not?
”Yes?”
”Why don’t you come in? I won’t bite, I promise.”
Jim grinned at the joke and went a bit closer. He was hopeful since his answer hadn’t hurt his friend this time. But it had only been one word and he was still hesitant in getting close to him.
”What’s wrong? Am I contagious?”
Smiling, Jim shook his head and finally dared to move within touching distance. He watched Blair’s face the entire time and only when he was sure that his partner was comfortable around him he sat down on the edge of the hospital bed, keeping his silence.
”Jim, you’re scaring me here. Talk to me, please.”
Blair looked confused and a bit hurt. He had to take the risk, but he would keep it minimal.
”Okay.”
Blair frowned.
”What did I do, Jim? Whatever it was, I’m sorry.”
God, he couldn’t see Blair suffer, even if it was only from anxiety.
”No, no, Blair, you didn’t do anything wrong! Your doctor told me that my voice hurt you, so I wanted to keep quiet. You’re okay? Am I hurting you?”
”No, of course not. Why would he say something like that?”
What was wrong here? Blair surely had to know that his doctor was a woman?
”She, Chief, your doctor is a woman. You don’t remember her?”
”No. Should I be worried here?”
”God, no, Chief. You were pretty sick. No wonder you don’t remember anything.”
There was no sense in frightening Blair further, but the truth was that he was worried. His partner used to have an exceptional memory.
”Detective Ellison! What are you doing in here? I told you not to go into the room!”
Busted. Sure, she took good care of Blair but at the moment he wished her to hell, or at least Australia. Just far away. He turned around and looked into the very angry face of Dr. Lily March. He was just about to apologize when Blair shouted equally angrily.
”Listen Lady, Jim is my friend. If you don’t want to see him then go away and leave us alone!”
Jim turned back to his partner and laid a hand on his arm. Blair was literally shaking with anger.
”Relax, Chief, this is your doctor. She’s acting in your interest here.”
”My doctor? She’s the one that told you your voice would hurt me? Why would you say something like that to him? He’s my best friend!”
Blair glared in her direction. Jim turned around again to see her reaction. She was utterly confused, but caught herself quickly. She scrutinized him while she stepped closer.
”Blair? Do you remember me?”
Jim started to feel like a Ping-Pong ball as he turned around to see Blair’s expression. Blair only shook his head mutely and watched his doctor with distrust.
”When is your birthday?”
”May, twenty-fourth. And no, I don’t know what day of the week it is today.”
Jim was relieved to see another spark of humor in Blair’s face. This time he didn’t turn around again to the doctor, but the smile he heard in her answer gave him enough indication to guess her mood.
”I see you have been hospitalized before.”
”Once or twice. Stop grinning, Jim!”
He tried. Really, he did, but he was so happy to see Blair smile.
”Blair, what is the last thing you remember before you woke up today?”
Suddenly, Jim was scared again. Be okay, Blair, please be okay.
”We were in Simon’s office. He told us that he wanted to get Henderson and that we needed to lull him in a false sense of security and since I was his favorite victim I was to become persona non grata in the bullpen so that he would dare to attack me.”
Great god! That was about four months ago! What did it mean that he had lost that much time?
”That was the last thing, Chief? You don’t remember how he started yelling at you?”
”No. Why did he?”
The confusion was evident in Blair’s expressive face. He really didn’t know. Not that Jim thought he would have lied, he’d just hoped that Blair would remember once he told him the facts.
”To make Henderson think that you lost his support.”
”Oh, how long ago did that happen?”
Jim turned around to Dr. March again. He had no idea whether he should answer that question or not. She nodded tersely. Jim had the impression that she wasn’t too sure about that, but he trusted her decision.
”Four months ago, more or less.”
Blair was clearly frightened and he tried to reassure him with his gaze. It didn’t work.
”I lost four months? Did we get Henderson?”
”We did.”
Dr. March joined the conversation again.
”Don’t try to remember yet, Blair. You need to rest before you rack your brain. You’re still weak. By the way, my name is Lily March. You probably don’t remember that either.”
Blair suddenly perked up.
”Wait, there was something else. I woke up before, I think – no, I’m sure, I was alone in the room and worried about Jim.”
”Why were you worried, Chief?”
Blair smiled sheepishly.
”I’m just not used waking up in a hospital room without you, you know? I thought you might be hurt.”
That must have been hard for Blair, waking up alone and worried. He patted his guide’s hand reassuringly.
”I’m sorry, Blair. I wasn’t allowed to visit you.”
Blair glared at the doctor. She stepped a bit closer.
”You didn’t react well to visitors. In the three days without them your condition improved dramatically.”
Blair nodded and yawned widely. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. Jim stayed a few moments longer, then went outside together with the doctor.
::-::-::
Heaven! Turn your back to Blair for a few hours and a catastrophe was sure to happen. Megan had called him, almost in tears and told him that Blair had totally freaked out when she visited him. And gave him a message from the doctor, stating that it wouldn’t help if he came into the hospital because his partner was sedated. Of course, he had called Dr. March and questioned her again. He couldn’t believe this. Yesterday Blair had been okay, nearly his old self and this morning he had lost it when Connor simply talked to him? He had made an appointment with her for the afternoon again, hoping that she would be able to tell him something new, hopefully something good.
Now he was pacing the floor in front of her office. She was late. Yes, he knew she was a doctor and if there was an emergency she couldn’t be on time, but hell, he was nearly bursting from tension. Why couldn’t the kid ever get a break? Finally, he spotted her, hurrying down the floor, accompanied by another, slightly older woman.
”I’m sorry for being late, Detective Ellison, but I had to apply an infusion. This is Dr. Janice Bordeaux. I consulted her in Blair’s case and she wants to talk to you. “
She unlocked the room and ushered them inside, gesturing them to sit down while she prepared coffee. Jim studied the new doctor. She had friendly eyes and an open smile. In short time she had a lot of papers strewn over the table top.
”Okay, like Lily said, I’d like to ask you a few questions about Blair. You ready, Detective Ellison?”
”Yes. But call me Jim, saves a lot of time. You too, Dr. March.”
”Only if you call me Janice, okay?”
At his nod, she continued.
”Fine.”
”And I’m Lily.”
”Okay, now that that point is cleared, let’s start. Jim, did you ever notice any lapses in attention, memory loss or depressive behavior in Blair before?”
”No, never. Sure, his mind is like quicksilver, but if he wants to keep his mind on a task he can be like a dog with a bone. And his memory is awesome. He can still quote some things I said three years ago.”
”Correctly?”
”As far as I can recall. My memory isn’t nearly as good.”
”And depression?”
”He had a few bad months and this assignment came immediately after that. So, yes, you could say that he had been depressed.”
”How did he deal with it? Were there any panic attacks, aggression, headaches, compulsive behavior, alcohol or drug abuse?”
”He said he had panic attacks when he was younger, but I never witnessed one. No aggression, a few headaches when he was overworked and tired. No compulsive behavior that I know of and he never had any problems with drugs or alcohol. What are you hinting at? What do you think is wrong with him?”
She busily scribbled down on the papers while he talked. Now she looked up and shook her head slightly.
”Bear with me for a moment, I’ll explain it later, I promise. Did he explain why he had these panic attacks?”
”No. He is a very private person. He talks a lot, but doesn’t say much about himself. And it’s hard to say whether he tells the truth or not. If he thought it would help, he could have obfuscated.”
”The way you said that I assume it’s a quote?”
”It sure is. He told a coworker about the panic attacks when he wanted to get him over his fears. It could have been true, but at least one thing he said on this occasion was made up, so one can’t be too sure about it.”
”Can you tell me something about his childhood? Was there a history of violence or abuse?”
”I don’t know, but I don’t think so. He is so open about his feelings and he likes to touch other people, so no, I don’t think there has been anything like that.”
”Okay, thank you, Jim. Can I call you if I have any more questions?”
”Sure. So what is this about? What do you suspect?”
She seemed to be uncomfortable with this question, but she answered nevertheless.
”I can’t say anything concrete at this point. I’ve spoken to him only twice. From what Lily told me we could be dealing with a kind of DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder. You know what this term means?”
”It’s the same like Multiple Personality Disorder, right? How probable is this?”
”I can’t really say. I have to talk to him more often to find out something definitive. Would you tell me about the reason for his depression?”
Oh shit. They had kept the secret for so long. But if he didn’t tell her it could possibly be harmful for Blair. Talk about a rock and a hard place! Straightening his shoulders, he came to a decision.
”You surely remember the media frenzy about Sandburg’s dissertation a few months ago? His paper about sentinels?”
”Oh yes, I do. I found the topic fascinating. I remember his press conference. That’s why he has been depressed?”
”Well, yes. His paper was true, but he renounced it to protect me. There are very few people who know the truth. He lost a lot of friends and his life’s dream over it. He had every reason to be depressed.”
”I agree. When everyone thinks you are a liar you will start to question your honesty even if you know it is not true. A difficult situation. What kind of assignment was it?”
”That led to his injury? We tried to trap a crooked cop. For whatever reasons he targeted Blair, arranged a car accident and harassed him whenever possible. Blair agreed to become bait. Basically, the people around him, his friends acted as if he really was a liar and fraud, as if we didn’t know the truth. He moved out from the apartment we shared and found a place of his own. We had Henderson under constant surveillance but he had an accomplice who shot Blair.”
”Okay, that’s enough for now. And don’t worry, Jim, everything you said stays in this room. Do you know someone who could tell me a bit more about his childhood?”
”Well, we haven’t heard from his mother for quite some time. I guess she’s the only one who could help you. I don’t know how to contact her, sorry.”
”That’s okay. I’ll talk to Blair some more and try to find out what’s behind this. Physically, he’s okay, we checked him very thoroughly. It will be best if he didn’t have any visitors, unless he asks for it. Please, try to understand that.”
He nodded, unhappily, but sincerely.
”Yes, I do. Please keep me updated.”
”We will. One of us, most likely me, will call you every day, okay?”
”Thank you, Janice. He’s my best friend and I worry about him.”
She nodded and they shook hands. It was hard for him not to stop at Blair’s room, but he didn’t want to hurt his partner further.
::::::::::::::::::::--------------::::::::::::::::::::--------------::::::::::::::::::::
Healing
Blair felt good. No pain in his shoulder or stomach, no drowsiness from the medication and he felt awake in what seemed to be the first time in weeks. He checked his wristwatch. Yep, three weeks. Twenty-three days since he had been shot. Somehow it seemed to be much longer.
The thoughts about time reminded him of the therapist. ‘You are obsessed with time, Blair, that’s not healthy!’ So what if it wasn’t? He felt better when he knew whether and how much time he had lost. In the beginning she had seemed to be a nice enough woman, but she was getting at his nerves. Always asking about Naomi. Did she hit him, did she touch him in inappropriate ways, did she tell him to be ‘nice’ to her boyfriends? Last time she did her usual catalogue of questions he had lost his cool and had told her to get her fucking mind out of the gutter. That went over well. Not. She explained in length how abused children repressed their memories and protected their abusers. Not that it was something new to him, psychology minor and all. But he knew another thing too: any child would be happy to have a mother like Naomi. She had shown him the world, shared magical moments with him. Sure, they had been moving a lot. But every time he said he wanted to stay, they had stayed. Sure, sometimes they had slept in the same bed. But he had been nine years old and terrified of thunderstorms. Somehow he was sure that he wasn’t the only child that had sought shelter in mother’s arms when the lightning had struck.
He didn’t want to talk to the therapist any more. She seemed to have decided already what he had to answer. Always stressing that he was repressing things and wasn’t aware of his real past. Bullshit! He should know, living with the master of repression, the king of denial. No way could he have repressed his childhood like she indicated. He would know. He would.
Jim. God, he missed the man. The therapist allowed his partner only one visit for one hour every week. She could learn from the detective what repression really meant, since he had managed to forget part of his childhood, his army career and most of his time with the Chopec and Incacha.
OH SHIT! Thoughts, memories, feelings crashed into his mind, stunning him, frying his synapses, leaving him gasping for breath. Help, he needed help! He needed Jim.
”JIM!”
He was too busy fighting the demons that had taken over his brain to wonder if it was even remotely possible that the sentinel could be nearby. It wasn’t Friday, the day Jim was allowed to visit him, but the older man rushed into the room and took him in his arms. The memories still assaulted his mind, but the contact with his friend made them bearable, less frightening. His head started to hurt, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of pictures and feelings. God, there was so much sadness, self-loathing and, above everything else, so much anger.
”Are you really here, Jim? Don’t go away, please!”
”I won’t go anywhere, buddy.” The steady voice was solid like a rock in the turmoil of his emotions, giving him an anchor.
”Tell them no meds, please. And I want to be alone. Only you here with me, okay?”
”Okay. I’ll do what I can. I’m kind of surprised that we’re still alone. How do you feel, Chief?”
”Lousy, but I will be okay, I promise.”
::::::::-----::::::::-----::::::::
Jim had been just stepping out of the elevator when he had heard Blair’s cry. He just hoped that he hadn’t alerted every nurse in the hospital with his mad dash into his partner’s room. It would be hard enough to convince Janice to let him stay with his friend; if she arrived with a bunch of nurses he wouldn’t stand a chance.
The kid looked like hell. He had been writhing on the bed, his fists clutching his hair tightly when Jim came in. And he had to convince the therapist that he didn’t need medication? He really couldn’t see her agreeing to let him stay alone with Blair. It had been a hard decision not to call the nurses, but his friend’s last statement had won him over. Not Blair’s usual: ‘I’m fine, Jim.’, but the truth. That in itself was unusual and made him believe that his partner knew what he was talking about.
The door opened and Janice stepped in, a thunderous look on her face. Damn! Jim jumped up to intercept her and ushered her outside.
”Jim, what are you doing here? You have to leave immediately!” She was really angry.
”I’m sorry, I can’t. He asked for me and he said he needs to be alone with me.”
The therapist bristled. “You are no doctor. You are not able to establish what he needs. And now I suggest that you leave and let me see my patient.” She tried to walk around him, but he grabbed her arm and stopped the movement.
”I might not be a doctor, but I’ve known Blair long enough, better than anyone else here in this hospital, to know that he needs a friend right now, not a doctor. I’m not leaving and you are not going into that room until Blair says it’s okay.”
”Are you out of your mind? You are stepping over the line here, detective! Blair Sandburg is my patient and I decide what’s best for him!” Over her outraged shouting Jim heard Blair, begging him to come back inside.
”Listen, Dr. Bordeaux, I have his power of Attorney , so as long as he is unable to make decisions, I will make them for him. And now I will go back inside and ask him if he is willing to see you!” Without waiting for an answer, he went back inside.
Blair looked half asleep. “What’s all the noise? You could wake the dead!”
”Sorry.” The sentinel laid his hand on his partner’s arm and squeezed lightly. “I couldn’t get an agreement with your doctor. By the way, she wants to see you.”
”Who, Lily or Janice?”
”The latter.”
Blair made a face. “Oh, goody. Never mention your mother around her; she is obsessed with mothers.”
”Speaking of which, Naomi is downstairs. I totally forgot.”
”Why did you leave her downstairs? Did she misbehave and you told her to stay in the truck?” Wow, Blair was joking. He must feel better.
”Cute, Chief. No, she didn’t want to see your doctors, but she wanted to see you. I just wanted to ask Lily if she could visit you.”
Blair grinned knowingly. “Let me guess, she didn’t want to be prejudiced by the doctor’s opinion but wanted to judge with her mother’s eye.”
”Exactly.” Jim grinned back. Blair was still looking tired, but the smile did wonders for his appearance. “So, will you see Janice?”
”Only if you see to it that Naomi joins us. I could use her help with my dear head-shrink.” Jim could swear that he heard his guide growl like his spirit animal.
”I thought you liked Janice?”
”I did.” The scowl intensified. “But she badmouthed my mom. Nobody gets away with that.”
”Way to go, Chief. Okay, I’ll get both of them.” Luckily he had given Naomi his cell phone and didn’t need to search for the number. He called her from the bedside telephone and asked her to come up quickly. She asked no questions and promised to be there as soon as possible.
”Okay, Chief, ready to face the lioness?”
”More like a scorpion, but yes.”
Jim opened the door to let the seething therapist in. Janice just kept standing there, obviously expecting him to leave the room. The sentinel simply stared back, crossing his arms. She got the message and moved to Blair’s bed. Jim followed her. He had no doubt that she had taken precautions, and that in front of the door were security personnel waiting to remove him from the hospital. A sensory sweep confirmed his suspicions. Sighing, he followed her to Blair’s bedside.
”How are you, Blair?”
”I’m fine. Tired, maybe. I’m sure I’d sleep better at home, so, when can I leave?”
”Leave? With your memory loss?” Her expression turned from incredulous to resolute. “You can’t leave!”
”My memory is just fine. No gaps, no lost time. I remember everything.”
”How could that be possible?” It was obvious that she thought he was lying. “No, Blair, I don’t believe that you are healed. That takes much more time and, above all, admission from your side. “
”If I had been sick, probably. But since I wasn’t, I’m fine.” Blair grinned triumphantly.
”What makes you the expert?” Now she wasn’t only pissed with Jim, but with guide also.
Blair arched his eyebrows. “I’ve lived with my mind for quite some time. I have a minor in psychology. I could have majored easily, but I wasn’t interested enough in it.”
Janice opened her mouth to answer, but Naomi chose that moment to burst into the room. She had obviously escaped the security guards by a hair’s breadth. Looking over her shoulder, scowling, she rushed to her son’s side. She took his right hand in both of hers and bent down to kiss him.
”You look good, sweetie. From what Jim told me I was afraid you would be ill, but you look healthy. How is your shoulder? Does it hurt much?”
”No, it doesn’t hurt. The physical therapist said I should be able to move the arm normally in about six weeks. But in the meantime I’m more than ready to go home.”
”No, Mr. Sandburg, you are not ready. You still haven’t dealt with the emotional trauma you suffered in your childhood.”
Naomi turned around very slowly, her gaze fixed on the therapist’s eyes. “And exactly what childhood trauma would that be?”
”You of all people should know that. Blair is not willing to admit that you abused him, but sooner or later he has to face his demons.” Jim took a few steps backwards. He didn’t want to be nearby when Mount Naomi blew up.
”Abuse? Are you out of your mind? I knew that most therapists are loony tunes but you are certifiable.” The fierce redhead stepped closer to the therapist who was yielding back from the enraged mother.
”You can threaten me, but the truth will come out. You will pay for what you did to your son!”
Naomi turned back to the bed and used Blair’s phone. “Martin, would you do me the favor and come down to room 408? Perfect. Thanks.” She turned to the therapist again. “I’m sure you’re ready to explain your Medical Director how you came to this diagnosis.” She faced her son again and ignored the sputtering woman behind her. Jim joined her, placing two chairs for them. She sat down with a thankful smile. He followed suit. They heard Janice leave the room, but didn’t turn around to watch her.
”What happened, Chief? Are you really okay?”
”I have a headache, but otherwise I’m okay.”
”What happened? How did your memory return?”
”It’s not so easy to explain.” Blair looked at his mother. “I’m sure you remember Graham.” He faced Jim again. “Dr. Graham Moore. He was a psychic healer we lived with. He taught me self-hypnosis. I just didn’t realize how well that would work.”
Naomi interrupted him. “If I remember right, he warned you several times to be careful. He told you that you were especially suggestible, didn’t he.”
”Yeah, he did. More than once. I just wanted to make it convincing and never thought that this self-suggestion would work so well.”
”Then what happened, Chief? How did you reverse it?”
”I didn’t. I connected the suggestion with a trigger word, and this morning I used it for the first time. Everything came back at once. What a rush! Absolutely unreal.”
”But not something you will repeat, right?” Jim looked sternly at his guide.
Blair nodded earnestly. ”Promise.”
”What was your trigger word, sweetie?” Naomi cocked her head.
”Incacha.”
”What’s an incacha?”
Jim laughed. “Who, not what! He was a shaman, a good friend of mine.”
”Ah, I see. Okay, I’ll leave you two boys alone while I go and talk to my good friend Martin who happens to be in the position to kick this hag’s ass.”
The two detectives looked at each other and burst out laughing as soon as she had closed the door behind her.
””That kind of language from your mother, Chief, I’m shocked.” Jim wiped the tears of mirth from his eyes.
”You should have heard her on that bazaar in Istanbul. The traders were crying when she was finished with them.”
”At the moment I’d believe anything. Do you think she can solve this mess?”
”No doubt.” Blair shifted a little. “I remember Uncle Martin. He knows what kind of mother Naomi is from his own experience. So, don’t worry about it.”
Jim nodded and his expression became serious again. “Your memory may be back, but what about the other stuff?”
”What do you mean?” Blair looked insecure. “Did I do something wrong?”
”No, Blair.” Jim took Blair’s hand again. “I mean, uh, you were in pain when you heard us talking, me and Connor.”
”Oh, that.” The younger man studied his free hand, which was busy plucking at a loose thread of the sheet. “I’m sorry. I guess I should apologize to Connor too.”
”Chief, look at me! I’m not angry, and I bet that Connor feels the same way. Why did it hurt? I mean, if we don’t know what caused that, can we really say you’re healed?”
Blair complied and returned the sentinel’s gaze. “I was just hurt, Jim. Physically – and you’ll have to admit that I hadn’t been in my best form – and psychologically, too. I thought all of you had thrown me to the wolves. I’m pretty sure that something like that won’t happen again, now that I’m in my right mind again.”
”I’m glad you didn’t say normal.” Jim grinned suddenly. “If that were the case we should leave you here for a few years.”
”Funny, Jim, really funny!” The younger man’s glare could only be described as deadly.
”I apologize, oh Shaman of the great city!” Blair’s expression softened. Jim ruffled his guide’s curls. “By the way, why are you in bed in the middle of the day? I thought you were mobile enough?”
”George proved to be a real slave driver in today’s physical therapy. I was exhausted.”
”Good. I thought you were turning into a couch potato.”
”Moi? I don’t think so. Okay, now tell me everything that happened at work while I was here.”
::-::-::
Naomi needed exactly two hours and twelve minutes to finish her chat with her old friend and Medical Director of the hospital. Then she returned triumphantly.
”Ready to go home, sweetie?”
Blair’s head shot up. “You bet!” Then he hesitated and turned to Jim. “Uh, that might be a dumb question, but where am I living?”
”At the loft, of course! I returned everything as soon as Henderson was in custody.” The sentinel looked uncertain. “You could always go back to the other apartment; I made sure that the rent was paid in case you wanted to go back there. It sure has a beautiful view.”
”Yes, it has, but it isn’t home.” Blair enjoyed the beautiful smile on his sentinel’s face. “Let’s go home.”
”Okay, Chief. Be prepared that Naomi and I will spoil you rotten. You need a few more pounds on your ribs.”
”I guess I can live with that.” Blair grinned at the sentinel. “Home, James!”
- End -
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